James
One of the most important things that my 12-step work has taught me is to be more aware of my moods, emotions, and feelings. Another important thing is that drugs are mostly a symptom of my disease, and that my disease manifests itself in all areas of my life. Soltura has enhanced my focus and given me new avenues to approach the treatment of my disease. I am more aware, not only of myself, but of others around me. I can see many new aspects of my disease that have been hidden in the past.
I believe that my 12-step program is a continuous learning process and Soltura has become a huge part of that process. Before I used drugs, my moods, emotions and feelings came at me very fast and hard. I was constantly bombarded with very little relief. I believe I suffered from ADHD [Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder], and I know that OCD [Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder] played a big part in my emotional state. After using marijuana, it was like I found a filter that blocked out, or at least slowed down, all of the information that was careening around in my head. I spent years trying everything else I could find to achieve the same effect. Most things worked for a while, but eventually I would have to search for something new to ease the pain.
When I found Narcotics Anonymous, I began to find some relief without using drugs. After working and trying to live my program for more than three years, I now know that I am not a bad person, only a sick person trying to get well. Soltura has allowed me to reach even further into my disease and to understand some of the reasons that I do what I do. OCD has been a continuous source of shame and dismay for me. During the second day of the workshop I had a flash of clarity. For the first time I truly understood what I was doing when I “put my crayons in order.” It was about control. I cannot control much of anything, but I can control which crayon goes next to which other crayon. This realization has led to many other clues about my OCD. I will forever be grateful to Carole for her wisdom and insight that day.
NA has been my main filter for the past three years. Now, it seems that I have a new and improved filter to block out and slow down all of that stuff that I can’t seem to control. Additionally (and most important of all), I have made friendships that I believe will last a lifetime. I have shared portions of my life that I never expected to share and I am a better man for it. I cannot wait to continue my Soltura journey.
Much love and gratitude,
James S. – from Texas
March 2009
